Grief is a universal experience. It is part of the human experience and, unfortunately, unavoidable. In fact, the Canadian Psychological Association (CPA, 2020) notes that grief has even been observed in intelligent and social animal species. Despite the universal nature of this experience, it is an aspect of the human experience that is rarely discussed. Most simply, grief is intense, overwhelming, and all-consuming. However, grief is a complex and varied journey that takes many forms and is often difficult to understand. Complicating this journey is the newer understanding that death is not the only event that results in grief. In fact, loss of a relationship, retirement, loss of a job, and other major life changes often result in the experience of grief.
The American Psychological Association (APA, n.d.) defines grief as “the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes psychological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.” Similarly, McCoy (2021) notes that “grieving is a form of learning-one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it.” It often involves intense and overwhelming emotions that feel like waves are knocking you down.
Grieving is a journey that involves time to process and adapt to this change in life. Grief touches almost every aspect of functioning, including the brain and the body's physical functioning. O’Connor (2019) notes that there is increased morbidity and mortality in grieving persons. The concept of the “broken heart phenomenon” (i.e. a loved one dying within the first 6 months after losing their loved one) is just one example of the impact that grief has on the body.
As stated previously, grief does not fit into a box-it is not uniform in how it is experienced by individuals, even when individuals are grieving the same loss. Lang et al. (2022) note that how individuals respond to grief depends, in part, on whether or not the loss was expected and how responsible they feel for the death of their loved one. Additionally, Lang et al. (2022) describe multiple types of grief including survivor’s guilt (well known as it applies to combat trauma, but can also apply when you retain your job while your colleagues are laid off), anticipatory grief (individuals often experience the loss both while their loved one is still living and again once they have passed), complicated grief (grief that begins to significantly and negatively impact functioning), and disenfranchised grief (grief that is not recognized by others-loss of an ex-spouse, loss of a pet, etc.). While all forms of grief are, of course, valid, they represent very different journeys and experiences for the individuals walking through grief and loss (Lang, 2022).
In supporting our friends and family who are grieving, it is helpful to remember that it is less helpful to attempt to “cheer up” your loved one. Rather, it is often more helpful to spend time truly listening to your friends and family and working to understand where they are at in their journey toward learning how to live in a world without their loved ones. It can also be helpful to let your friends/family members know that you are there for them and that you can imagine a future for them.
Unfortunately, there is no set path or timeline when grieving the loss of a loved one. I often tell my own patients that grief will often last a lifetime. However, we can learn how to live a purpose-filled and meaningful life after losing a loved one. We don’t get rid of grief, we learn to live, and ultimately thrive, with grief.
About the Author
Dr. Montes is a licensed clinical psychologist and co-owner of Cognitive Behavior Therapy Center in Chesapeake, VA.
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Apa Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://dictionary.apa.org/grief?_gl=1%2Aakmfov%2A_ga%2AODYxODE0NDcwLjE2NzU3MDQ2NDM.%2A_ga_SZXLGDJGNB%2AMTY5ODY4MzkxNS43My4xLjE2OTg2ODM5NjUuMC4wLjA.
Canadian Psychological Association. (2020, March 5). “Psychology works” fact sheet: Grief in adults - canadian psychological association. Canadian Psychological Association - The national voice for psychology in Canada. https://cpa.ca/psychology-works-fact-sheet-grief-in-adults/
Lang, D., Cone, N., Lally, M., Valentine-French, S., Carter, S., & Hoiland, S. (2022, August 1). Grief, bereavement, and mourning. Individual and Family Development Health and Wellbeing. https://iastate.pressbooks.pub/individualfamilydevelopment/chapter/bereavement-grief-mourning/
McCoy, B. (2021, December 20). How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal. NPR. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2021/12/20/1056741090/grief-loss-holiday-brain-healing